UCC Ordination Paper: What You Need to KNOW!

I have been working on my ordination paper for several weeks now. This paper is designed to capture three areas of importance: 1. Your own faith journey in conversation with the Faith Practices of the United Church of Christ, 2. Your understanding of UCC history and polity, and 3. Your theology/doctrinal inclinations in conversation with the traditions of the Church.

I really thought I could “whip” this paper out in no time – NOT…who was I kidding? This is a massive undertaking, if done correctly. So, I have begun to develop a list of things every Member in Discernment needs to know before writing this paper.

1. This is an academic paper and should sound like an academic paper. Use appropriate language to talk about your theology, doctrine, and Church tradition. It should not sound like it was written by someone who just exited 7th grade Sunday school.

2. Because this is an academic paper, use well-cited quotes. It is great to have an opinion, but it is even better to back it up with scholarly work. All three sections are asking you to be in conversation with the established traditions and doctrines of the Church. It is fine to disagree, but argue your point well.

3. Start making a list of your theological positions while you are still taking classes. Anything you don’t understand or have questions about, ask – don’t wait until you graduate.

4. Keep a file of quotes that you find meaningful, and don’t forget to cite where the quotes are from. I would organize them by topic so that you can find what you are looking for more easily. History of Christianity material is especially good for this. All those original documents provide a wealth of quotes from those that developed church doctrine.

5. There are a thousand ways to organize your paper, but this is not your first task. Just start writing, and keep writing. When you are done, ask a trusted friend who is good with editing to help you. Part of your task will be to pare down the paper into a manageable size. Sometimes your entire paper can be integrated, but other times it might need separate headings. Do what works for you.

6. Check your work for inconsistencies of thought. You don’t want to contradict yourself in your own paper.

7. Start your paper while you are still in school. If I had it to do over again, I would have started this paper when I started seminary and put the finishing touches on the paper shortly after graduation. Writing when everything is fresh in your mind is much easier.

8. Your sense of call is something you will be asked about repeatedly. Figure out the stories that are meaningful to you and work with those. Keep asking yourself how these stories define your sense of call. Was it a journey? or a definitive moment in time?

9. Be honest in your paper. Even if your theology is extremely conservative or extremely liberal, as long as you can defend your perspective, don’t worry what others think. If you try to write what you think some committee wants to hear, when questioned later, you may embarrass yourself. Keep it real.

10. And finally, let the Holy Spirit guide you in the writing process. Maybe you know what you want to say, but just don’t know how to say it…spend time in prayer, it will come to you. And, if you get stuck on a point or a section, move on to the next section…just keep writing. Eventually you will be able to come back to the previous section and nail it. Forcing words on a page makes for strained reading.

I wish someone had given me this advice when I started seminary. It feels like too much hinges on this paper, and that there is little to no instruction on how this paper should be written. Mentors can be great guides for this; use them. All in all, I think my paper will be well received, but I can see how something of this magnitude could cause a lot of anxiety in folks who lack confidence in the writing and remembering skills. Work with what you have and try not to do too much. This is not intended to be a book.

Good luck, and happy writing.

It Wasn’t My Fault

It wasn’t my fault! Four words that I have a really difficult time saying. I want to believe it, but everything I know says different.

When I map the course of events, it always seems to come back to my actions, what I could have done differently. I started to make a list of all the ways that I participated in the events that led up to this trauma, and I torture myself with thoughts like, “If I had only made this decision or that decision…” but the truth is, I made the decisions I made based on the information I had at the time. There is no way a 17 year old had the knowledge or the where-with-all to make alternative decisions resulting in a different outcome. My attempt to frame every decision in that way only serves to devalue my humanity.

At 17 we are doing good to just get out of bed and go to school every day. At 17 we are doing good to keep up with our academics as well as all of our extra-curricular activities. At 17 we are doing good to form any kind of meaningful relationships. At 17 we are doing good to not get ensnared in everyone else’s drama. At 17 we think we are grown, but we are really still children making typical child-like decisions. At 17, we are still testing the limits of our relationships with our parents, pushing curfews, pushing driving privileges, questioning authority, and trying to do more and more on our own. But, we are not grown, or at least I wasn’t grown.

I think about all of the things that I place in the category of “It was my fault,” and the list is vast. But this, this trauma, is NOT MY FAULT!

So what is it that makes me think of this as my fault? I have discovered that for some reason it is easier to blame myself than to put blame where it actually belongs. Blame is such a strong word. It implies that those who hurt me also had a choice. I don’t know why, but I want to let them off the hook…I want to give them a pass. If I could figure out why they did what they did, then perhaps I could also forgive them, which in my mind means they are no longer to blame. This circular thinking is prevalent in trauma survivors, so I am not unique in this. However, I know better. Cognitively, I know that what they did, regardless of why they did it, was not right. They made decisions and acted out of their own free will. My interactions with them was limited up until this point. Giving them a pass only increases my own negative feelings about myself, about my own self-worth.

In Alcoholics Anonymous, folks in recovery are taught the act of acceptance. There is a great story in the back of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous that speaks directly to the notion of acceptance stating, “Acceptance is the answer to ALL of my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation- some fact of my life- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake.” If I believe this quote (and I would like to) then I recognize I have to move into a place of acceptance over a place of feeling like it was my fault. What I understand about acceptance is that it doesn’t let someone off the hook, it simply acknowledges the situation for what it is, no more, no less. The part of this quote, however, that I have trouble with is the last sentence, “Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake.”

This quote speaks directly to God’s providence, something I have been wrestling with since I arrived at seminary. I want to place all world events into two categories, those ordained by God and those not ordained by God. The good stuff – ordained by God; the bad stuff – not ordained by God. But this quote isn’t really talking about good and bad, it is really addressing whether the good and the bad are mistakes. This is different. When bad things happen, and they do, are they mistakes? Should they not have happened in the first place? Where is God when bad things are happening? What determines God’s involvement in the daily activities of this world? These are all valid questions, but from a human perspective, shortsighted.

The grand scheme in which God operates moves beyond the good or bad that people grace or inflict others with. I know internally that part of what drives me is the care that we provide others. Our inability to see human suffering, to reach out and help meet the needs of those most vulnerable in our society is a symptom of a greater problem. We are so disconnected from our creator and the created order that we see others as expendable fodder for our own consumption. This is the driving force behind those decisions that seek to destroy others rather than build them up. Whether it is swindling someone out of oodles of money, killing for cash, raping for power, or simply taking what does not belong to you…the end result is the same. Some seemingly win, and some seemingly loose.

Scripture tells me that God’s world operates entirely different from this world. Those that understand God’s world and attempt to operate within its boundaries are those who are the most humble in their service to others. Blessed are the poor in spirit; Blessed are those who mourn; Blessed are the meek; Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness; Blessed are the merciful; Blessed are the pure in heart; Blessed are the peacemakers; Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness sake…the reward, however, doesn’t come in this world, but in heaven. This is the part that I forget. When I am thinking about what happened to me, and I am wanting to let my perpetrators off the hook, I understand where that comes from – I get it – but it cannot be.

IT WASN’T MY FAULT!

I am so reminded that God’s macro-view is not my micro-view. It just isn’t. I can’t see the whole picture. If I can bring myself to believe that nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God’s world by mistake, then I have to believe that God is with us in both the good and the bad. While I may not understand it, there is an ultimate purpose for everything. Just because I can’t see that purpose or don’t understand the purpose, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. So then the question becomes, “What am I going to do with this horror?”

First and foremost, I am going to learn to trust that it really wasn’t my fault. If I learn nothing else, this is enough. I will not live the rest of my life assuming the blame for someone else’s actions. I didn’t cause this. I didn’t ask for this. I didn’t deserve this.

IT WASN’T MY FAULT!!!!

Do Something Different

I am a trauma survivor!

Not many people know that. It isn’t something I advertise or share much because in many ways, it has continued to be traumatizing.

This trauma occurred when I was 17; that was 30 years ago, and I never told anyone at the time of the event. In fact, I did everything I could to keep it hidden. I was threatened with my life if I ever told, and it doesn’t take much for me to take the hint, “if I can be hurt once, I can be hurt twice, keep your mouth shut.”

A number of years later, I found myself faced with some critical decisions. It became apparent to me that not telling was killing me on the inside. So, I opened the release value, slightly, and told one person. At the time, this was enough. It gave me just enough hope so that I did not completely lose my mind. I learned quickly, though, how to intellectualize my feelings around this event, without actually feeling them or processing them in any real, tangible way.

Lesson: what you don’t take care of today will bite you in the ass tomorrow.

Recently I was feeling a bit overwhelmed with everything on my plate. Course work, chaplaincy internship, field education, home responsibilities; it was all hard to juggle. I decided to start seeing a therapist as a way to learn some new coping skills – or perhaps be reminded of coping skills I have shared in the past with others – so that I didn’t feel so inundated with stuff. As with most best laid plans, being overwhelmed was only the tip of the iceberg. It didn’t take long for the lack of emotional connection to my body to surface, which directly correlated to this traumatic event at age 17. I had to make a choice…do I start working on this stuff now, or do I continue to put it off until a more appropriate time?

Appropriate time? When would that be?

I was having physical symptoms that were a direct manifestation of this trauma. I was at the point emotionally that I could no longer postpone the work that had needed to happen for years. I heard from my therapist that perhaps I am dealing with this now because of all of the coping skills I do have at my disposal, and the fact that I have an amazing support network. I took her at her word and decided to ease into these tumultuous waters.

Now it is several months after the initial plunge and I am a train wreck. I feel like I am 17 again and that this trauma just happened a few hours ago. I am having nightmares, anxiety attacks, and the like, only this time I am not self-medicating with alcohol. I do find myself eating shitty food as a way of coping, but it is so temporary and usually provides little relief. As another alternative, I was asked to increase my support network by sharing this event with at least two other people…I started with one.

The last 24 to 36 hours have just about pushed me over the edge. I am writing this post in the middle of the night because I was awakened, once again, by those horrible reminders that I am weak and vulnerable and at the mercy of others who are strong and dominating. I am finding it difficult to type because I am shaking and feel like I want to come out of my skin. My mind is having trouble concentrating on what my next thought will be.

I love my partner with every fiber of my being, but it is difficult for her to understand what I am going through. My friends are so amazing, but I have felt that telling them is unfair to them, that it places a burden on them that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. The few people that I have told, I cannot begin to express my gratitude to you for the support that you have provided, but I have to admit that I feel horrible every time I send a text message or call. I feel like a defective type-writer. I hear my own voice in the back of my head telling former clients, “So, what are you going to do different.” All of this is so real and so surreal.

What I am seeing tonight is that I am broken. To even admit that is overwhelming. What happened to me was horrific. I do need to cry. I do need to get angry. I do need to TELL. For me the doing it differently is breaking the silence that I have lived under for so long. As a therapist, I have encouraged countless individuals to just share their sacred story, to not be afraid to give it a voice. I am clearly a hypocrite. I have not wanted to follow my own advice. Instead, I want to run and hide and pretend like nothing happened…until the next time I’m having a panic attack and feel like I’m being violated all over again. This is not living. This is not healthy.

Today I reached out in a way that I NEVER have before. In the moment of crisis, I picked up the phone and called for help. And I got it. In a powerful way. But, here I am, up at 4 in the morning writing. Maybe I’ll post this, maybe I won’t, but I am writing instead of crawling in the closet or laying on the sofa inconsolable. And, I know that by writing at 4 in the morning, I am doing something different. That is really the key. At every moment, I have to be willing to rewrite the script, to do something different. If I do enough things different, eventually what happened to me will no longer look the same.

I was told today that I had a lot of anger under the surface, and that perhaps my anxiety was anger trying to make its way out. I was told to stomp my feet, to have a temper tantrum. I have NEVER done these things before…I’ll be damned if they don’t work. I have to do things differently. I have to. I cannot keep going down the same path expecting different results – I know that is the definition of insanity, and for once in my life, I KNOW I am not insane, just wounded.

God, I know you have been up with me tonight. I know that you have been with me in the terror, the shaking, the unsettled moments of uncontrollable shaking, and I have witnessed you helping me do something different. I will keep writing, I will keep stomping, I will keep calling for help, and one day I will wake up and realize that this trauma that is so huge right now is nothing more than a blip on the screen; just one more event in a string of thousands of events in my life. This trauma can inform me, but it cannot rule me.

Today I am choosing to do one thing different.

Israel vs. Palestine

Second year seminary students from Lancaster Theological Seminary are currently in Israel/Palestine on their Cross Cultural Trip, a requirement for all M.Div. students. We do not talk much about the conflict between Israel and Palestine because the lack of credible information is not always available. Most of Western news sources paint Israel as the benevolent care-taker. Our government sides with Israel on most issues and has denounced Palestine on a number of occasions because of their connection with Islam and more specifically with individuals who are identified as terrorist, or at the very least, insurrectionist.

This political and religious stance only further divides an already fragile system. When the United States supports Israel in their lop-sided policies regarding the Palestinian people, it lends credibility to the Israeli cause while dismissing the plight of the Palestinians. No one in the West wants to hear about the abuses against the Palestinian people: demolishing their homes; building walls that separate families from one another; limiting the availability of food; refusing to pick up Palestinian garbage, even though the Israeli’s are in charge of garbage collection; blocking economic growth by limiting the development of businesses; raiding refugee camps; and continuing to deny Palestinians basic human rights.

These are not the core values of most of the people I know, and if they really knew what was going on in Israel, they would most likely stand up and protest against this kind of treatment. Or would they?

I think the problem actually runs much deeper for us in America. The Palestinians are the indigenous population of the region. They were there first. The land the Israel now occupies was given to them through the creation of an Israeli state in 1948, without regard to the displacement of those already living there. This image of moving some out to move others in is no different than the atrocities European’s perpetrated against the indigenous populations of North America. This is our history. This is why we in the west resonate so well with Israel. In many of the Supreme Court decisions during the 1800’s, America was described as the “New Promised Land.” We are not strangers to the lineage of our Christian Faith; the Jewish traditions out of which Jesus is born. However, in this case, the United States is on the wrong side of history.

Until we make efforts to atone for oppression and subjugation of indigenous peoples in America, we will never understand the plight of the Palestinians. We may not have built actual fences that surround Native American Reservations, but there are clear borders that delineate between reservation lands and “white-folk” lands. European Americans have become so adept at ignoring those who self-identify as indigenous in this country; most people don’t even notice that there are segregated groups of people in this country, well, not until you want to buy a piece of their land and are denied access.

There ought to be a rule in foreign politics…until our own house is in order, we shouldn’t be able to tell anyone else how to structure their’s. I appreciate the efforts that Secretary of State John Kerry is making toward resolving the conflict between Israel and Palestine, but for there to be lasting peace in that region, both groups are going to have to radically change their fundamental understanding of one another and actually develop the ability to trust that they have each others best interest at heart. This is certainly not true for us in the United States, so why would we expect this to be true for Israel and Palestine; two countries that have been in conflict with one another longer than Europeans knew of the existence of North America.

The Psychology of a Call to Worship

Often when I enter church today, congregants remain engaged in conversation and other activities until the minister speaks the first words of the worship service. It is as we have gathered for a feature film and we all agreed that it is okay to talk through the previews. Even if there is a prelude – the music played at the beginning of worship to gather people – most folks do not pay attention to the music. The significance of the prelude/call to worship has lost its significance and meaning.

What exactly is a “Call to Worship,” and why is it important to our psychological engagement in worship?

The “call to worship” is exactly what it says, something that calls us to enter into a time of worship. In years gone by, you might hear the church bells ring for several minutes prior to the beginning of a worship service. In some churches there is a prelude, which consists of organ or piano music designed to quiet our hearts and minds and prepare us to be engaged mentally in worship. There are also opening prayers or hymns that draw us into the act of worship. All of these methods point to a moment at the beginning of a worship service where the congregation is being asked to put aside all other business and participate in the act of worshiping God.

What I find in many churches, however, is that the call to worship is marginalized to the point that it no longer holds its original meaning. Rarely do we feel “called” into worship by an intentional act. Part of what makes a call to worship work is that it alters our present state of being – usually a state of frenetic energy focused on everything but worship – so that we can find a particular kind of reverence for God.

Instead, church has become another task on our checklist. For many who attend church with any regularity, the social aspects of church are what draw them in and keep them coming. Being transformed by word and music is not why folks come to church, even though that, in my humble opinion, is the primary reason for attending. Our minds are cluttered with many things when we enter the church; work, school, family, and a whole host of other issues. In order to lay all of those things down, there has to be something at the beginning of worship that helps us transition from the secular to the sacred. That is the point of a call to worship.

For many of us, the hour or so we spend in church each week is the only time we connect with God. The lack of intentional communication and fellowship with God makes it more difficult to shut off all of the distractions of the world and be fully present in worship. The trick is to use the call to worship as a tool to help one move into a more sacred mental space. When we take the time to tune-in…to listen to the call of God amid all the disparate voices, we are able to slowly train ourselves to set aside ordinary thoughts for the more sacred thoughts that come during a time of worship. This opening of our minds to the words or music that call us back to God give us just enough space to press in toward God.

When we gather to worship, the whole point is for the focus to be on God. Being open to how God might move in and around us can only happen if we have sufficiently prepared our hearts and minds for God’s presence.  You have been “called to worship!”

Orange is the New Black – Religion Gone Wrong

I just finished watching season one of Orange is the New Black and was quickly reminded of how bad things can get when religion goes wrong. (Minor spoiler alert…)

What I am most struck by in this show is the obvious and intentional transformation of the main character. She describes herself as a secular humanist, which by definition would be someone who values life and wishes to promote health and happiness in self and others. Yet, when confined in a prison, humanity seems to seep through the prison bars. There are no real allegiances in prison. Even those who risk getting close to others are always aware of how tenuous those relationships are and how quickly they can deteriorate. This is exactly the kind of situation that the main character finds herself in. She is up against a religious fanatic who wants her dead.

In the world outside prison, we have the ability to distance ourselves from those who have different views than our own. We can choose not to associate with them, choose to run in different circles, and in most cases will never cross their paths. In prison, however, inmates do not have this luxury. Yes, they can do their best to keep their distance, but if you are on someones bad list, there really isn’t anywhere to run. And if reported, there is a real threat that the reporter will end up in Solitary Confinement for their own protection.

Religious fanaticism in prison, in some ways, seems a little far fetched, except that folks in need of hope will turn to the most convenient thing available. For some, that is God. I question, though, whether this kind of devotion is genuine or delusional. At what point does devotion cross a line? Or, does it? Are we even allowed to judge someone’s devotion to God? Who am I to say whether someone else’s experience of God is genuine or not. The only thing I have as evidence for either side of this argument is behavior. And, in some ways, this has the potential to be too subjective, except that we all have moral imperatives that we live by. There are some actions that cross all lines regardless of who you are. This is the whole point in using the word fanatic.

This show has challenged me to see how prison changes people. I have a better understanding of how someone can end up in a closed environment thinking and believing one way and in a very short amount of time be provoked to act in ways that are contrary to everything they thought they believed in. This may be a simple matter of survival. When religious beliefs are thrown into the mix, it makes the actions more palpable because of the assumption that the action is God ordained. This sounds more like history than a TV show.

Too often religious fanatics are dismissed or identified as schizophrenics (rightly or wrongly so) who stand on street corners talking to themselves and passersby with a bible waving in their hand. For those of us who have seen these individuals, the temptation to engage them in conversation is strong, but futile. There is no reasoning with a religious fanatic, especially a mentally ill religious fanatic. Yet, there is this motivation for the non-fanatic to have equal billing as if the fanatic will capitulate and change their mind. In prison, to change one’s mind might be a one-way ticket to death.

There are rules in prison that govern inmates, which create an unspoken caste system. Religious fanatics are probably at the bottom of the food chain, but they can also be some of the most dangerous individuals because it doesn’t matter if they loose their privileges or their life – that only makes them a martyr.

Orange is the New Black reveals the complexities of religious fanaticism within a closed system. It is never as simple as stating for the record, “I’m Baptist, I’m Catholic, or I don’t believe.” When religion goes wrong, it cannot recover. When something shakes the foundation, the fanatic redoubles their efforts to mend the cracks. The only way to win against a religious fanatic is to prove that your God, whether that is yourself or some divine entity, is better than their God…even if you have to beat it into them.

Scribblings – Mental Freedom

This is my new blog. I am a 3rd year seminary student fast approaching graduation, and it has only recently occurred to me that my former and current career choices are colliding right before my eyes – psychology and religion. So, I thought I would start a blog where I could begin to record some of my crazy thoughts that reflect the intersection of religion and psychology. I see these intersections everywhere.

Here is a story…

A 56 year old woman comes to church for the first time in about 30 years. Her husband just left her for a 30-something year old and quite frankly feels like her world has just flipped upside down. She ruminates over the fact that she gave her husband everything for 33 years and he seemingly threw it all away for something more appealing. She lands in church because she is searching for answers. Searching for answers when she isn’t really sure what the questions are. It never crosses her mind to call a therapist. That isn’t in her tool belt of solutions. But she remembers the church of her childhood and remembers the stories of Jesus being compassionate, full of grace and mercy. That is what she is searching for.

I see the intersection of religion and psychology as an untapped frontier, which needs to be a more prominent focus of churches. As our world struggles to find meaning in the day to day difficulties, churches need to be ready to help folks cope. The message of compassion, grace, and mercy need to be at the forefront of what we preach and teach. The message of Christ in solidarity with humanity allows us to see the image of Jesus from a new perspective; the human that shares our pain, our suffering, that knows what it is like to be treated unfairly. This is the kind of Jesus to whom we can all relate. Jesus speaks directly to our mental health as much as to our spiritual health every time He describes how we should treat one another, love one another, and live in harmony with one another. In Christ, we can know real peace of mind. We can see the shackles that bind us with fear, hatred, pride, greed, and the like, fall away from our hands and feet. It is through Christ that we are able to renew our strength to live into real mental freedom.

“So, if the son (Jesus the Christ) makes you free, you will be free indeed.” John 8:36

“When you chang…

“When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change” Wayne Dyer